When I was around 15, I was suicidal and didn’t know how to cope with the news of my Grandfather (Papa) being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Not long after, my Grandmother (Nannie) was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was absolutely devastated, as anyone would be.
Looking back on that time is still painful for me, and brings much anxiety. I think a part of me was depressed prior to the news being broken but once that occurred I lost it. People will say things like, “If you don’t commit suicide then you weren’t really serious about it and were just seeking attention.” That’s a horrible assumption to make.
My family and friends had no idea the internal struggle I was facing. I refused to share my pain with them. I think I may have told some close online friends what I was feeling but I felt extremely serious about hiding these feelings from everyone around me as I felt embarrassed, hopeless, and just in pain.
My Papa died August 30, 2015 and I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so upset but at the same time I was so relieved FOR him. My grandfather suffered for 6 months (which felt like two years) and we all watched the cancer take him away from us.
Here’s a picture of Papa before the cancer and the woman to his right is my great grandmother (Grannie B,) who passed away 6 months after him. She was 99 years old, sweet as pecan pie, and a God fearing woman. I miss her so much too.
I was no longer suicidal at that point. I think the biggest reason was I couldn’t stand to watch him suffer. To begin with, I didn’t want him to be sick, and especially to die. But seeing him in so much pain was the most painful experience I’ve ever had in my life.
Thankfully, my Nannie is still with us today and is cancer free. YES!!! I don’t know what I would do if I had lost her too. She is such a big part of my life.
Here’s a photo of here (although she’d kill me if she knew I posted this so please… don’t call her house phone.)
Looking back on this time in my life, I wish I would’ve reached out to someone. Anyone. I don’t think my Mom could’ve handled it. She could barely handle what was going on at the time.
You always think about these suicidal hotlines because you read about them in novels or their in movies but they are real. I don’t know how many there are but there’s a national suicidal hotline.
I don’t know what it’s like to call them and seek help but for anyone who is HURTING for any reason. Reach out to someone. I know for me, I often carry things with me because I don’t want to burden those around me. If you are like that then maybe talking to a stranger would be best for you. And heck, start blogging. It really helps get your feelings out. They aren’t stupid and it isn’t stupid to do. Find what helps you cope and overcome!
I’m also very available to just LISTEN to anyone who needs to get some heartbreak or feelings off their chest. Judgement-Free.
Stay strong. You are NEVER alone. Just reach out your hand.